My name is Jackie and I just joined the Recovery Collective; I did some exploring before posting this and am amazed to see the range of people and stories in this community (including addictions other than addiction to a substance, such as porn addiction), yet also see how we all have so much in common. I’m 31 now and have a particularly unique story when it comes to addiction- it all started when I was just 9 years old and my late mother (she died of breast cancer in 2013) started giving me her pills. It sounds crazy, and I’ve forgiven her- she was a sick single mom who didn’t know what else to do to help her child- but feel like a prisoner in my own body, and this is a life sentence for me. I got hooked and stopped asking her for them and just started taking them- she died not knowing that I was addicted to her pills. Through high school, and then through my first two years of college (I lived at the dorm but my college was in the neighboring town, so I came home every weekend and got my supply for the week), those pills were just a part of my everyday life. Things were exacerbated by the fact that when I was 15, during my sophomore year of highschool, I was diagnosed with third stage melanoma skin cancer; a mole on the back of my thigh turned out to be cancerous. It was removed during an outpatient surgery, but the doctor botched the stitches, leaving me with chronic pain in my leg. Of course that added a chronic pain component to my addiction that I still deal with today.
There’s a lot more to my story, and sadly, in November 2020, my maternal grandmother who I lived with in my lifelong family home and was basically my last surviving immediate family member, died of covid-19 and cancer. My grandfather had died the year before my mom, and my parents divorced when I was 9 months old; my dad is alive but has never really been in the picture. I have a brother who is almost 7 years older than I am who is married with two kids and lives two hours away in the neighboring state, but he was engaged and living with his now wife when our mother died so he was never alone and never dealt with as much trauma as I did. When my grandmother died, my lifelong home was sold ASAP and I was given 90 days in the middle of the pandemic to find an apartment and move out on my own without any life skills- I had never paid a bill, cooked, or cleaned before in my life and all of a sudden I had lost everything and was all alone. In April 2021, I moved into my own apartment, where I still am. I work from home and live on a highway so I am in this apartment pretty much 24/7, often going two weeks without leaving this building. I’ve been trying for three and a half years to find a permanent full time job opportunity that will let me get that fresh start- hopefully out of state- that I’ve been waiting my entire life for but haven’t had much luck. Hopefully 2025 will be my year.
This time around, I consider my sober anniversary to be May 12 2023, as that was the day that I got started on methadone maintenance treatment (this time around- I had been on it before, but you could say that methadone is more or less my “drug of choice” as it was methadone pills that my mother was giving me and I got hooked on. She was on it for pain). In a sad irony, my one year sober anniversary- May 12, 2024- was not only Mother’s Day, but on that day I lost one of my best friends (one of the only three friends, and the only female of those three friends, I had left in the area who I saw in person regularly) to a drug overdose after seven months on life support. I actually had had no clue at the time that she had even relapsed, but it’s amazing how hindsight is 20/20, and so many things that happened in the last year of her life make sense now. She was 36 years old- a month shy of her 37th birthday- and left behind two kids ages 5 and 9 as well as a fiance, stepson, two brothers, one sister, a mother, and lots of friends. For those seven months that she was on life support- the doctors had told her family one week after she overdosed that she was brain dead and that there was nothing more they could do but they kept her alive on life support for 7 months hoping for some kind of miracle- I kept begging a Higher Power to take me instead of taking her. My friend had two kids, a significant other, and so many other people that loved and needed her while I feel like my life doesn’t make a difference to anyone as the three people that truly loved and needed me- my mom and grandparents- are gone. But, she was still taken from us. I’ve always said since I was a kid that everyone I love leaves me- they die, they move away, and/or they change, and really, there’s no one in my life that that hasn’t applied to.
So to sum it up, that’s my story, and I’m still taking it all one day at a time. I try to stay positive, but its so hard when I’m alone, and the holiday season is by far the hardest time of year. This was my fourth Christmas alone in my apartment, and it looks like I’ll be alone for New Years Eve too. I miss holidays so much- I grew up with a Jewish mother (and grandparents) and a Catholic father who were divorced, so I got a big Thanksgiving, big Hanukkah dinners the first two nights of Hanukkah, a version of Christmas with my Jewish mom on the morning of the 24th, a version of Christmas with my dad on the evening of the 24th and the day of the 25th, and to top it off, a fun New Year’s Eve spent at my mom’s best friend’s house. Everything changed so fast, and it’s really hard- the holidays are a reminder of how alone I am. But, like I said before, I hope the New Year brings about good things for me, including, hopefully, a great job opportunity (I’m even fine with fully remote, although I think hybrid would be best because I need to get out of the house sometimes and I also need that in-office, in-person teamwork) that either takes me to where I’m meant to move for a fresh start or at least allows me to take a leap of faith and choose where to move to for that fresh start.
I’m happy to be here in this online community and am looking forward to getting to hear all of your stories and swapping advice. Thanks for welcoming me to the Recovery Collective!
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So emotional right now
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Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty. It’s clear you’ve been through so much, and yet you’re still moving forward with incredible strength and determination—that’s truly inspiring.
Congrats on your progress with methadone. I’ve heard how helpful it can be in this journey, and it sounds like you’re really fighting to build the life you deserve. You’ve faced so much loss, but the fact that you’re persevering says so much about your resilience.
I’m really glad you’re here, and I look forward to hearing more about your experiences and celebrating in your successes!