(STORY) Starting My Spiritual Journey

The amount of personal insecurities I experienced in early recovery was pretty significant. I knew what I wanted to do: sing like the best drummers in the pow wow circuit, dance like the award winning grass dancers. However, getting started was very scary in the beginning, or at least it was for me. Early on, I learned that I do not have the voice or the agility to dance and sing like the best of us that I see at pow wows. Nonetheless, I wanted to do these things. I almost felt like a failed Native because I could not do these things at 30 years old. I was not sacred enough (lol), I was not a dancer, I didn’t know any songs, and I rarely attended sweatlodges outside of prison.

Learning the first song was hard. Listening and singing along to a song is not the same as singing the song alone. Then singing in front of other people was another element that made me nervous and forget portions, I learned this the hard way. There is a growing period in learning our traditions, just like there is a growing period in recovery. We don’t start off knowing the 12 steps, if that’s your pathway to recovery, nor do we come to ceremonies knowing all the protocols and language. But then the question is how bad do you want it? I knew for me and my recovery journey that I would need to learn some of the ceremonies and wanted so badly to learn the songs I heard during them. My heart and spirit knew what I needed to do but would my mind and insecurities get in the way?

Thankfully, I met a few spiritual mentors while I was in early recovery who happened to be in recovery from substance use as well. Our elders are so happy to pass on knowledge and wisdom from the generations before. Once word got out that I was in recovery and starting my spiritual journey the tribe began to support and root for those of us in recovery. Our ancestors and elders are waiting for us to soak this knowledge up, yes it may come at a cost of time, dedication and insecurities but the person sitting here today is grateful I took that leap of faith. Sure I got yelled at by elders for doing things wrong, embarrassed myself in front of our knowledge keepers, but I kept showing up to the next sweat, the next drum ceremony, the next naming ceremony, the next funeral. I practice the traditions my ancestors died to protect and practice, it is my duty to honor their sacrifice everytime I offer up a prayer, or teach my son some of the prayer songs and protocols of ceremonies we attend together. My greatest joy as a father is watching my oldest son help out at these ceremonies and I would imagine it is something similar when our elders see us doing the same thing.

It’s in our blood to do these things, our DNA recognizes it. Our ancestors fought to keep these things alive so we can practice them today and things align when we choose to walk this path. A’ho Mi’iw.

Niitamigahbow
Colin Cash

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