Having a hard time stay focused on my recovery, while trying to be supportive towards my 19 year old son and his new (to me) family. I’ve always had a very close relationship with my son, but since I was on the streets of Phoenix and during the worst of my addiction for two years…well, I am still dealing with a lot of guilt and shame. In 4 days, I will be 5 months sober. I’m happy sober, have no cravings. But I still feel horrible for my past actions. I am finding it very hard to stay focused on myself when I can clearly see how my past actions have affected him. My oldest son passed away almost 2 years ago due to his own addiction, and I just recently was granted overnight visits with my 14 year old (I had to turn to DCS, because no one in our family would help us when faced with being homeless).
Just feeling stressed out at times. I honestly think I just need to concentrate on getting my life back to normal, but I want to do so without causing more harm than I already have.
Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!!!
Hi @Connie !! So glad you’re here 
First, I just want to acknowledge how much strength it takes to open up about everything you’ve been through. Five months sober is a huge accomplishment, and even though you’re carrying a lot of heavy emotions, you’re still showing up, pushing forward, and trying to heal—and that’s powerful.
It’s completely understandable to feel guilt and shame, especially when you’re seeing how your past has affected your son. But here’s the thing—guilt can either hold you down or push you toward growth, and you’re already choosing growth. You can’t change the past, but you are changing the present. Every sober day, every effort you make to rebuild trust, and every moment you stay focused on healing is proof that you’re moving forward.
Losing your oldest son to addiction is a heartbreaking weight to carry, and now, as you reconnect with your 14-year-old and support your 19-year-old, you’re navigating so much at once. But you’re right—focusing on stabilizing yourself is the best thing you can do for them. Healing takes time, and so does rebuilding relationships. You got this! Just keep showing up, one day at a time.
I greatly appreciate this post Connie. The harm of our past definitely continues to pop up throughout our recovery. I think the biggest thing to remember is that we have to learn from the mistakes of our past and use those teachings to have a positive impact going forward. Our actions as we move forward are what is most important. It often takes significant time for our loved ones to see the changes we have made and build trust again, but I can promise you that by healing ourselves we set an amazing example! So my biggest advice is only focus on your past to learn for your future. If we dwell on things we cannot change, it oftentimes slows our growth and impact.
Thanks for sharing @Connie. That’s incredibly hard. Recovering on our own is tough but when it’s effected kids it feels like a whole different beast. For me anyways. It was a painfully slow process for me. I had to build my life in a way that my kid wanted to engage in. I had to build a house with wide open doors and pray that they chose to walk through them…. If that makes sense……
Thank you for all your input, and perfect advice! I really needed to hear someone tell me what I already know in my heart. 
This has been so hard emotionally, but it has also been extremely healing. For all of us! Staying focused on my recovery has to always be front & center, no questions about that anymore. If I do not, there will be no family. Almost sober 5 months is just so amazing to me!
Blessings of love, great health, and sobriety! 
so good to hear! congrats on 5 months! keep doing what you’re doing. i actually really connected with your situation so thanks for sharing
Oh how I relate to this.
Trying to turn the shame into guilt has helped. Remembering that I can’t change the past and I can change the future also helps.
I’m so sorry to hear about your son.
My shame attacks come out at the weirdest time… sometimes not even directly connected to an event. Someone may say something they are excited about doing in the present day and that maybe triggers a memory. It makes me super sad to embrace the raw truth. I do attend therapy. Even then if it doesn’t come up during the session often I forget then the memory resurfaces.
Have you been able to talk through any of this with your kids?
Do you have a therapist who could help guide the conversation because personally once I work through one I feel better but another just pops up. At least I feel I am making progress…
Thank you for the input! I really do appreciate it! I have not yet seen a therapist. Yes, I know the emotional rollercoaster all too well! I’m just pushing through it right now. My 19 year old son and his wife have been very supportive of me. I can talk to his wife about everything & anything.
I do need to get a therapist though. I had certain situations happen to me while on the streets and I don’t feel that my children need to know about certain things.
Thank you again!
Have a blessed week!
@Connie therapy has been a godsend. I agree there are some things our kids dont need to know about and its not their job to support us, unless they choose. I have a father who is still struggling and there are phone calls I wish I had never picked up. Its not mine to carry but by dumping his trauma on me they became mine and they became heavy. Sounds like you’re doing the right things