I’m having a little bit of difficulty fostering hope. My boyfriend has been using cocaine for 20 years, I met him a year ago. Since meeting him, in the beginning, he told me that he was trying to get clean. He was dead set against rehab though and afraid. After a really bad bender that he went on that lasted an exhausting and painful month in July, he finally for the first time checked himself into rehab. He went for two weeks only, came out and relapsed two weeks later. He went back in to try again a month and a half later, he went for a month in Florida this time, came home, relapsed immediately. I left him. So I guess he’s not actually my “boyfriend” anymore. But I do love him from a distance and hope that maybe we can be together someday when he establishes himself and gets some real clean time under his belt. Since leaving him, he’s thrown himself into step work and gotten a sponsor. His sponsor is a few years older than him, is married with a family and has everything that my now ex-boyfriend wants. It’s only been a few weeks. I’m just not sure that with an addiction as long-standing and regular as his was if he can ever really get better for long-term. I’m really having trouble finding hope and would appreciate if anybody knows anyone who did use for that long and got clean and it stuck. Thank you
This sounds incredibly tough to navigate, and I just want you to know that whatever decisions you make are completely valid. For context, my active addiction began about 20 years ago, and I went through many struggles before I was able to stop. It wasn’t an easy journey at all, but eventually, I found my way. Treatment helped me a lot—though it took multiple attempts to stick—and I’ve been in recovery since 2016. That said, the road hasn’t always been smooth.
One thing I’ve learned is that addiction isn’t a linear disease. Like other chronic conditions, such as cancer or high blood pressure, it can resurface and needs ongoing care and management. It’s actually pretty common for people to return to treatment several times. What really matters is whether he’s continuing to try. If he is, that’s a huge step in the right direction.
Substance use disorder is incredibly challenging to overcome, but it is possible. Don’t lose hope, because sometimes your belief in him—your hope—can be exactly what he needs to feel supported and keep moving forward.
Hi Kate! You’re not alone. I would recommend Al-Anon meetings. There are a lot of people who are navigating relationships that were tarnished and broken due to addiction. I know many people with 20+ years who got into sustained recovery, so it is possible. One thing I hear a lot is “people dont change or you cant change someone” but I do find that people who struggled with addiction do change, they are not their true selves in active addiction, and its often times a powerful transformation.